One thing that both excites me and scares me a little?
My dependence on God.
Not roller coasters—although, let’s be honest, those too. 😅
If you had known me growing up, you would have seen a girl determined to be independent.
The kind who roller-skated through Santa Barbara like she had somewhere important to be… even if she didn’t.
The kind who sat on top of a doghouse in the backyard, singing at the top of her lungs, absolutely convinced she might be discovered and end up on The Mickey Mouse Club.
The kind who did not always follow the crowd.
And did not always handle that very gracefully.
Even then, something in me wanted to be different.
Strong.
Capable.
Independent.
And at the same time, I still wanted to be seen.
Accepted.
Valued.
Known for whatever it was I felt stirring inside me.
Then came Jesus.
Not as a distant idea.
Not as a checklist.
But as God inviting me to know Him.
To trust Him.
To depend on Him.
And if I am honest, that is where things can get uncomfortable.
Because so much of me was built around standing on my own.
But everything in Him keeps inviting me to lean.
For a long time, I think I assumed dependence on God meant becoming less strong.
Less capable.
Less independent.
But I am beginning to see it differently.
God did not accidentally create the strong parts of me.
The boldness.
The stubbornness.
The willingness to stand when standing was difficult.
The determination to keep moving when giving up would have been easier.
He has used those things throughout my life.
But He has also had to refine them.
Strength without surrender can become control.
Independence without wisdom can become isolation.
Determination without direction can become stubbornness for stubbornness’ sake.
The gifts themselves are not necessarily the problem.
The question is who is leading them.
And lately, I see those same kinds of gifts showing up in my children.
That fire.
That determination.
That strong sense of right and wrong.
The willingness to step into difficult places and help someone find a better way forward.
The patience to sit with a struggling teenager and help them believe they really can learn something they have already decided they cannot do.
The courage to hold onto what they believe is right even when it would be easier to go along with everyone else.
The things God built into me did not stop with me.
I see pieces of them being carried forward.
Refined.
Stretched.
Used differently in different people.
And perhaps that has taught me something about dependence on God too.
Depending on Him does not mean losing who we are.
It means allowing Him to shape who we are becoming.
It means bringing our strength under His direction.
Our independence under His wisdom.
Our gifts under His purpose.
Maybe dependence on God is not weakness at all.
Maybe it is finally understanding that I was never meant to carry everything by myself.
I can still be strong.
I can still be capable.
I can still use every bit of determination God gave me.
But I do not have to stand alone.
And maybe that is the part that still both excites me and scares me:
Learning to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.
Have you ever had something you thought was one of your greatest strengths become the very thing God asked you to surrender to Him?
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